Pillows for the Dojo, and Happiness.

Dear City Mouse,

I want those muffins!!!!!

 In the midst of my crazy schedule last week I managed to help Alena make these pillows for her Dojo.

They were a very belated gift to honor her Jr. black belt, as is tradition in Aikido.

Alena chose the fabric, and did half the sewing too.

 I was thinking a lot as we made them, about stress, and where I'm at in general.

I was remembering how I used to tell myself, "if only my relationship wasn't such a mess I could he happy.

If only I wasn't so broke and struggling I could be happy. If only my dad weren't dying I could be happy. If only. If only."

I remember how it occurred to me one day, that although these were real struggles, important pieces were missing, and my feelings were valid, what if I never came to a place where all those pieces were present?

Maybe my life would always be a puzzle with a fundamental missing piece?

I know it sounds kind of morbid, and I promise I did count my blessings, however they were counted with a sense of desperation, like I was always throwing myself a life preserver.

It occurred to me there was a real chance I would never find land.

This realization shook me deeply, not because I felt sorry for myself, but because there was a strong chance I would never find true happiness.

Never finding true happiness in life is like never finding love, like never having children, never traveling.

Of course people can be whole without those components, but for me it felt like a true tragedy.

It was at that moment I vowed to let go.

I vowed to stop searching for myself and lose myself. To lose all the fear and need.

Being happy became a choice.

I had found that puzzle piece.

My dad was dying, but I was happy.

I carried this gift around for months.

I felt like a Zen Master.

My dads suffering eventually increased to the point where that Zen became sand slipping between my fingers until it was lost.

My father died. I found myself searching 

again. Luckily, all the while I remembered the trick to it all I had discovered.

I knew that Zen was waiting patiently for me to decide to lose it all again and be happy. I just couldn't make that decision.

I guess I just needed to process so much loss.

Things are ramping up again with the start of school. Two jobs, the constant taxiing of kids all over the county.

I'm missing some fundamental pieces to this puzzle of life. I could easily go crazy.

I feel like I'm ready to be happy.

I remember how. I think I'll stop looking and lose it all.

Love, Country Mouse.